Out on the piss

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as
fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 pence."

---

A man walks into a bar and says "I'll have a pint of beer". He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?" "I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat "What will you have?". "Half a pint of beer - but i'm not paying!"

"That will be exactly £12.65 says the bartender. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.

The next day after work the man goes to the same bar. "What'll it be today?" says the bartender. "Double whisky on the rocks" replies the man. He looks at the ostrich and says "What will you have?" "I'll join you in a double whisky" says the ostrich. He looks at the cat "what will you have?" "half a pint of beer- but i'm not paying!"

"That will be £21.95" says the bartender, so the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.

The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "Excuse me," the bar tender says "I was just wondering why no matter what the price you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says the man,"when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and inside there was a lamp so i rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes so I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I would have the exact change in my pocket"

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender "You'll never run out of money - what else did you wish for?"

"A bird with long legs and a tight pussy".