OATHS OF
ENLISTMENT
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to
the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and
because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit
for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job
seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to
defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to
uphold and defend the Constitution of the
After
completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training," I will be a lean,
mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all
others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next
person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me
(and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early
everyday.
I consent to
never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun
of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.
So help me
God.
Signature:
___________________ Date: _________________
I, Rambo,
swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army
because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force,
I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I
can't swim.
I will wear
camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure
out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day
even when I have a date. I will continue telling myself that I am a fierce
killing machine because my drill sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that
the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge
the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain
that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my
sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend
a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I
did when I left.
On my first
trip home after boot camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my
ninth-grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out
she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she
leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work,
I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing
accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning
PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "COMPANY."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a
job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from
high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for
college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me
God.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE
I, Top Gun, in
lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United
States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to
BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate,"
and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"
I promise to
wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I
understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor
man during the summer, and for the Waffen
SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest
of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover,
and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I
will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia,
and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other
services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
I will muster
(whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the
Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone
my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being
tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop.
I consent to
being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I
realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the
sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."
So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
I,
________________ (state name here), swear...uhhhh...high-and-tight...
grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women....
HOORAH!
So help me
Corps.
Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________